


You shouldn’t have to

by supernaturalfreakin



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Broken Jack, Caring Ianto, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Hurt Jack, Jack Has Feelings, Jack Has Issues, Kissing, M/M, Nervous Jack, Self-Harm, Vulnerable Jack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:09:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26954137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernaturalfreakin/pseuds/supernaturalfreakin
Summary: Ianto discovers Jack’s way of coping.Trigger warnings for graphic description and talk of self-harm.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	You shouldn’t have to

**Author's Note:**

> I’m still unsure of publishing this story. I’ve dealt with self-harm for over eight years now. I know what it’s like but it’s a tricky topic and I don’t know if I described/got it across properly…  
> I apologise in advance if this is a bad story…
> 
> I don’t own anything.  
> English isn’t my first language.
> 
> Please R&R! :)

Jack sat on the stairs leading down to the autopsy room. His left dress shirt sleeve was rolled up to his elbow. In his right hand he held a scalpel he had once stolen from Owen’s equipment.  
It was 1 a.m. and everyone had left hours ago.  
And now he sat on the cold stairs leading down to the autopsy bay, staring at his bare arm, imagining what the wounds are going to look like, how they will feel like. 

First the pain, then the rush of adrenaline and endorphins making him feel so light and high – how it will stop the pain in his mind to make him stop thinking for a while. The feeling of peace, even if it’s just for a short period of time.

Slowly he lifted his right hand with the knife in it towards his left one.  
He was calm, breathing evenly.  
Then he pressed the blade down, drawing a horizontal line into his arm.   
Blood immediately pooled out of the gap and his breath hitched from the first stab of pain.

Taking another deep breath, he closed his eyes, feeling the pain, the warm blood slowly running over his arm and his pulse quickening. 

He opened his eyes and drew three more lines parallel to the first one.  
Then he closed his eyes again, enjoying the feeling of peace.

Ianto stood behind Jack. At first he had thought that Jack was just sitting there thinking but as he came closer he saw what Jack was really doing, saw the bleeding cuts on his arm.  
Shock made him freeze where he stood with weak knees but only for a few seconds.   
Quietly moving he sat down beside Jack on the step. He hadn’t acknowledged him yet. 

Softly he placed his left hand on Jack’s right one which was still gripping the scalpel, making him startle violently.

With his right hand he pulled it out of Jack’s grip and placed it beside himself out of his reach.  
He then interlaced their fingers and looked back up to his face. It seemed like Jack had followed his every movement and now lifted his eyes too, searching Ianto’s face for a reaction. 

Jack was scared – it was clearly visible in his eyes.  
Trying to reassure him, Ianto squeezed his hand but his eyes were still nervously searching his face.

Shifting his body sideways, Ianto was now facing Jack completely. He loosened his hold on Jack’s hand only to see his pupils dilate in shock fearing Ianto was going to leave.

‘It’s okay, I’m not leaving’ he whispered softly while moving his left arm around Jack’s back to pull him towards his chest by his shoulder.

Jack stiffly rested his head on Ianto’s chest. He didn’t know what was going to happen next. Was Ianto going to pity him? Will he realize how much of a freak he really was? Or will he simply laugh at him and then leave?  
Hundreds of thoughts raced through Jack’s head making him stiffen even more and shudder at the same time.

He came back to the feeling of Ianto’s hands stroking his cheek and his shoulder while rocking him back and forth, whispering softly that it was going to be okay.  
Not having the strength to fight it any more he let himself sag against Ianto’s chest and buried his head and hands in the fabric of the dress shirt, holding on for dear life.

Jack felt Ianto’s ribcage rise and fall with every breath he took, felt the rumble of his voice when he spoke and the steady heartbeat reassuring him he was there and alive.

Neither man could tell how long they had sat there. It must have been quite long because Ianto had lost all feeling in his butt, he couldn’t even feel the cold any more.

Carefully not to startle Jack he lifted him up into a sitting position. 

When Jack made no move to look at him he leaned forward and gently turned him around by his chin. Keeping his fingers there so he couldn’t move away, they looked deep into each other’s eyes. 

Jack’s eyes still held fear and insecurity where Ianto’s were full of love which confused Jack even   
more.

‘Come home with me please’ Ianto said.

‘You still want me?’ whispered Jack disbelievingly.

Instead of answering Ianto leaned forward to seal their lips in a deep kiss, never letting go of his chin.  
Parting slightly their lips were still touching when he whispered ‘Wait here for a second, I’ll be right back’.

One hand moved through Jack’s brown hair, tipping his head forwards so he could kiss his temple.

Getting up from the cold step he unnoticed grabbed the scalpel which still lay beside him and went to find a piece of cloth.

Passing a bin he quickly disposed the piece of metal and then dipped the cloth in water.  
Walking back over to the stairs he noticed that Jack hadn’t moved at all and was now staring at the concrete between his feet.  
Crouching on the step below him Ianto gently stroked Jack’s cheek to get his attention ‘I’m just going to clean your arm, alright?’

‘You shouldn’t have to’ Jack’s voice was barely above a whisper. Too quiet, not like him at all.

‘Don’t worry about it’ Ianto hushed and then carefully set to remove the dried blood from his arm. 

The cuts were completely healed by now.  
He could feel Jack’s eyes on him, watching his every movement.

As gentle as he could, Ianto wiped the remainders of what had happened away, then he cleaned the blood drops off of the floor and put it into the nearest bin.

Again crouching in front of Jack he lifted his left arm and folded the sleeve back down, fastening the cuffs.  
Holding both of Jack’s hands in his he gave a small squeeze ‘Let’s go home.’

Jack nodded jerkily and Ianto helped him stand up and turn around.  
Placing a warm hand on Jack’s lower back he guided him into the main area of the hub where he left him alone to get their coats and power down their workstations.

Coats in his hand he came back up behind Jack, tapping him lightly on the shoulder, signalling him to move his arms so he could get them into the sleeves.

After getting Jack dressed, Ianto stayed behind him and slowly stroked his hands over Jack’s shoulders and upper arms, stopping at the elbows to feel Jack shiver.

Nudging him forward they made their way to Ianto’s car side-by-side, getting in and silently driving to his flat.

Jack was getting antsy. Ianto still hadn’t said anything about what had happened back in the hub and his facade was stronger than ever leaving Jack with no clue about what he was thinking or feeling.

They silently entered the flat, taking off their coats and shoes and then went into the living room.   
Not knowing what to do Jack nervously stood by the couch while Ianto went into the kitchen rummaging through cupboards.

He came back with two glasses in one hand and a bottle of scotch in the other which he placed on the table in front of the couch.

He then removed his suit jacket, tie, undid the first few buttons of his dress shirt and came to stand in front of Jack looking him in the eyes.

He slid the braces off of his shoulders and then pulled him backwards over to the couch, sitting down. Jack stayed standing.

‘Sit down’ Ianto tucked at his hand until he let himself collapse onto the couch.

He then poured both of them a drink, handing one to Jack and sat back against the backrest.  
Not being able to take the silence any more Jack pleaded `Please say something, anything. Shout, tell me to leave – you don’t have to pretend, you don’t have to do this but please, tell me’

Taking a deep swing from his glass, Ianto sat it back down on the table, pinched the bridge of his nose and then turned towards Jack.

Placing Jack’s glass next to his own he motioned for him to come closer.

Uncertain of the situation, Jack nervously glanced at him unmoving.  
Sighting Ianto leaned forwards, pulling Jack towards him by the neck. Flaying he steadied himself with a hand on Ianto’s chest.

‘Lay down. I don’t want you to leave’ he coaxed.

Jack did as he was told. Lifting his legs onto the couch Ianto moved to do the same.  
They shifted until they were comfortable with Jack on his side, cushioned between Ianto and the backrest, his head on Ianto’s chest. He could feel Ianto’s fingers softly stroking through his hair and beneath his own hand on Ianto’s chest, he could feel the soft fabric of the dress shirt.

‘I don’t want you to leave or be alone. Not after what I’ve just seen’ he repeated pulling Jack closer to his body.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to find out, not ever. I thought you all had left’ Jack whispered.

‘I’m glad I found out. How long have you been doing it?’ Ianto asked softly.

‘I can’t remember. Way too long but nobody ever knew…’ he trailed off.

‘Nobody ever saw because it heals fast and leaves no scars’ Ianto finished and Jack nodded.

‘What makes you harm yourself? I mean, what triggers or hurts you so badly that leads you to do it?’ he continues ‘I won’t think any differently of you, no matter what you say. I’m just trying to understand.’

Jack stayed silent for a while collecting his thoughts and Ianto didn’t push him, he simply continued his gentle stroking through the soft brown strands. 

‘There are three main reasons’ Jack started ‘One’s that I feel too much. Too much pain, too many  
thoughts at the same time and then I need something else to distract me, to numb the emotional pain with physical pain – like today. At other times I don’t feel anything at all and then the physical pain makes me feel alive again. Third one’s punishment. When I can’t safe someone, when I endanger one of you, when one of you gets hurt. Things like that… At one point I discovered that this calms me, distracts me and punishes me without having to die…’

Both of them stayed silent for some time, feeling each other and thinking. 

‘Why aren’t you freaking out?’ Jack asked.

‘Well it takes a lot to freak me out. I work for Torchwood, remember?’ Ianto chuckled ‘But jokes aside. I won’t lie, you scared the bloody hell out of me when I found you there bleeding, scalpel in one hand. I thought… no, I feared you were going to kill yourself right there. The fact that can’t stay dead didn’t soothe my concern at all.’

‘That wasn’t my intention. I promise you, I wasn’t going to kill myself’ Jack stated honestly.

‘Maybe but I didn’t know that, did I? Anyway, I don’t really know what to do. I want to help you…’ he trailed off and Jack stayed silent not knowing what to say.

Ianto took a few minutes to think about ways that could possibly help them, help Jack.

‘Do you want to stop, Jack?’ he enquired.

Sighting deeply Jack confessed ‘I don’t even know what it’s like without it any more… I don’t think I could just stop… What do you have in mind?’

‘Well, I thought that… whenever you’re thinking or worrying too much you could come to me and then we could talk. I hope you know, that you can tell me everything – every little messed up thing in your head until it’s all out. When you’re not feeling anything at all you come to me and I’ll hug, cuddle, kiss and touch you – I’ll make you feel again. As to wanting to punish yourself I’m not quite sure yet but I think we could try talking about that too because honestly, it’s our own fault we get into trouble most of the time and not yours… But the most important thing is, that you need to let me in and open up because you are not alone, I’m here and I won’t leave you’ Ianto finished. 

Through his speech Jack had gone completely still and then he suddenly lifted himself up just enough to look into Ianto’s eyes.

‘Why do you bother with all of that? It’s not like I can do any permanent damage and you shouldn’t waste all your precious time on me’ Jack said disbelievingly.

‘Oh, Jack’ Ianto moved his hands to Jack’s cheeks, gently cradling them ‘Don’t you realize how much I care about you and how desperately I want to spend time with you? Which I quite enjoy by the way. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you – nothing I wouldn’t do to help you.’ 

Overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude, love, hope and happiness Jack leaned down sealing their lips in a kiss, pouring all of his emotions into it which left both of them breathless. 

Resting his forehead on Ianto’s he whispered ‘Thank you…’ he paused ‘I would like to try that. I want to try for you, although I can’t promise anything. I don’t know how to open up any more. It’s been so long… I don’t even know how to explain everything that’s going on in my head…’

‘That’s enough for now. Thank you, Jack. This means a lot to me. And… if you do harm yourself then please tell me too. Don’t feel ashamed and I promise I won’t get mad. I’ll take care of you, just like I always do when you die. You won’t be alone’ Ianto promised and Jack moved back down to lay his head onto Ianto’s chest but not without stealing a quick kiss first.

Settling down he again quietly thanked Ianto and after a while they fell asleep entangles on the couch – comfortable and content in each other’s embrace.


End file.
